I wanted you to know where my past has taken me. This will be personal, but I feel that once you learn where I started, you will learn where I will go and where you can too.
I was around the age of 16, when I realized I was “body conscious”. This basically meant that I hated how I looked and how I felt others saw me. This portrayed false images in my mind creating a fabricated paradox polluting my mind from reality. I was never truly “overweight” and I always stayed healthy by playing sports and keeping active, but my mind told me otherwise. My mind would whisper her sweet lies into my ears making me feel certain ways on how I viewed my body. My mind was the key to my unhappiness and the overall disgust with myself. I looked through the looking glass and saw a person completely opposite of who I was. I knew deep down I was beautiful, but this alternate reality made my interpretation corrupt with a contagion and it overwhelmed me. This contagion seeped into my pours and took over my wellbeing. I was no longer
happy with myself unless I did something about. Unless I did not eat. Unless I made myself purge. Unless I drowned my sorrows with the latest fad diet pill. All these choices seemed succulent at the time, but little did I know how they would affect my future.
I slowly grew out of this phase after a few years, with the realization that no matter what, these choices are going to harm my body. I finally was free. I was free of the pain and alternate reality and was able to finally live my life free of that bondage. Or so I thought. Slowly, that feeling pulled at my soul with her luscious lies and deceitful mind games. I could feel myself in slow motion start spiraling down and entering that alternate universe again. The universe that I thought I escaped. I was wrong. I was wrong more than ever. This would be the hardest battle of my life. The battle of self and the mind.
I was 21 and I thought I knew it all. I was recently recovering from a serious personal situation which activated those thoughts again. I started to feel the need, the desire to begin again. This time, the resistance was harder than I had ever imagined. This alternate reality was feeding on my personal situation using that as bait and leverage to sucker me in. What a bitch. She walked in like she owned the place, like she owned me. I cowered in the corner as we met again. I could feel the pull within the inside of my body, like a magnetic attraction. I was screwed. The personal situation that I was going through was the perfect décor to flaunt around. Like the final stroke of the brush on Van Gogh’s The Starry Night. I was beyond screwed. I tried to fight the urge, I really did. I was just too weak and distraught with what I was going through. I was jolted back into the alternate reality quicker than I thought. This time, I was being controlled like a puppet in one of those creepy puppet theatre shows. I was having out of body experiences, watching myself be devoured by this contagion yet again. I tried to scream and shout to scare her away, but I was
voiceless. I could only sit back and watch myself be destroyed. I did not eat for an entire month. Yup. All I lived off of was Vitamin Water’s XXX (Zero everything), alcohol, and numerous packs of cigarettes. Talk about one classy ass bitch. I went from 160 pounds down to 125 in about a month. My alternate reality self was praising me for the accomplishment of losing so much weight with her plastered grin across her face. The other version of me was wrapped up so tight in fetal position in her bed crying herself to sleep because the hunger pains and depression were seeping in. Did I mention the lovely bursts of outbreak acne EVERYWHERE, dark circles, depression, anxiety, bad breath, bruising, loss of hair, fatigue, and weakness just to name a few? Yup, sexy right? In my screwed up alternate reality I was the shit. I could wear any outfit and still get complimented on the “OMG, you’re so skinny!” speech. In my screwed up head I liked that attention even if my insides were screaming out in agony as my body searched helplessly for nutrients. I didn’t care. I was too wrapped up with my new relationship with this contagion once more and I didn’t want her to leave. After a few months I looked like complete shit, but my body was skinner than ever. For a 5’6 athlete build woman, being 125 was not as sexy as I thought. I mean, unless you are into the whole sunken in face, dark circles, and lanky white girl look take a number. Needless to say, I needed help and I needed it fast. In time, I did go to a psychologist who in the beginning I basically told to go F* himself. He warmed up real fast by telling me if I lost any more weight he would call a hospital and admit me personally due to malnutrition. Psych man wasn’t joking. I warmed up a little and tucked away my bitch mode and replaced it with empathy. He was just trying to help me and did not want to watch me continue down the path of others he had seen. Soon enough, after a few sessions and discussions I was on the road to recovery.
This road to recovery was a bitch process. I relapsed a couple times and got really discouraged. This shit is not easy when you have your mind telling you to screw any form of nutrition for your body, and then have your wellbeing tell you what one crazy bitch you are for depriving that nutrition. Shit plays mind games like a freaking ping pong match. Back and forth, back and forth. I mean, it got to the point that me eating ONE grape was going to make me gain weight. ONE FREAKING GRAPE?! I continued therapy, yoga, and actual healthy eating habits and sticking to them. Slowly, I saw results. Even if I hated seeing that scale number go up (which was literally a crying match with myself), I actually felt better and liked the fact that I didn’t look like a character out of Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride anymore.
My recovery journey was a long one, and I overcame that alternate reality, but the journey doesn’t end here, even though I wish it did.
Did you ever hear the phrase “When you don’t eat, you lose the weight, but when you start eating again you gain it back twice as hard?” Correction, try three times as hard. The struggle is real. You don’t mess with your stomach. That shit knows when to go into “starvation mode” and store for the next hibernation ahead of time. She also likes to make you crave everything on planet earth as if it is your last day of existence. She isn’t playing around. That is where I am today. I have gained more weight than I lost and I am suffering for my consequences. I guess call it Karma. This makes your body store fat even when you are not trying to eat, it just goes into that mode because of the damage done before hand. This is where I am struggling now and I have the choice to not
eat, to go back down the rabbit hole and start over again because I know it’s easy, but I won’t. I am stronger than that and I don’t want to hurt myself anymore nor my loved ones, and you don’t have to either.
The reason why I shared this personal chapter in my life is to hopefully make you understand you are not alone. You are never alone and there are others who can guide you through this process. You just have to speak up, now. No one said it would be easy, but it’s a lot easier when you have support and those holding out their hands when you fall. This is a part of my Habit Training 101. To continue to eat healthier, and exercise to maintain a healthy weight the right way. Whose ready to bring on Twenty16 with a bitch ass attitude?!
Now, let’s kick this in the ass and start moving forward, are you with me?!
Always my loves,